My client, Captain Rumbelly, has been suffering from the ill effects of a Bear Creek "mushroom burger" consumed on the afternoon of April 5th, 1999. He has been experiencing hallucinations such as: monsters urinating on his shoes; ugly men turning into large-breasted bimbos and propositioning him, garden gnomes cooking hamburgers; he also thought he could fly and jumped off his roof landing on his dog, Lucky (the dog expired later at the vet's). We charge that your cook, Dale, deliberately put psychedelic mushrooms in the sandwich and knowingly poisoned my client.

Due to the fact that you have no prophylactic dispenser in your mens room, Captain Rumbelly contracted a strange venereal disease which has rendered him impotent. He has not had a sufficient erection for two (2) months (only pitiful half-ass ridiculous "wanna-be's"). My client has a steady stream of green pus dripping from his penis which forces him to wear Depends. It hurts him when he urinates, so badly, in fact, that he has awakened the neighbors on three occasions with his screams. The police were called the first time.

The Captain also had a valuable sculpture of the Virgin Mary stolen while being displayed at the Bear Creek on Super Bowl Sunday. This work was painstakingly created by my client and was considered a miracle. There is something very smelly about the whole thing but the police have not brought charges as of yet. We may not be able to prosecute in a criminal court but we will sue in civil court if you do not reimburse my client for the Virgin Mary Turd.

I have set a monetary value for Captain Rumbelly's losses, pain and suffering at $5,000,000. I am sure we can reach a reasonable settlement out of court. If you poo-poo this letter or shoot us the finger when you see us, I will be forced to do all kinds of legal shit to really mess you up! I suggest that you contact me immediately or heads will roll. We mean business, mister!

Have a nice day.

Yours truly,

Richard "Dick" Rheam, Esq.

P.S. The Pagosa Police Department seems to have consumed all of the evidence. Please bring any purple mushrooms that you have in your kitchen to my office. Bring beer, too. Thanks!