12 MAR 99





BEAR CREEK SALOON & EATERY
P.O. BOX 356
PAGOSA SPRINGS, CO 81147


RE: HOMICIDAL COOK

Dear Mr. S,

This afternoon I came into your little bistro to have a bite to eat. I was feeling giddy so I decided to have the "Mushroom Burger" for a change...bad choice!!

Your beautiful bartender, Johnnie, took my order back to the kitchen and that's when the screaming started. Your so-called cook was yelling profanities and throwing pots and pans at her as she ran from the kitchen laughing. She looked at me and said, "Whatever!"

In a few minutes my burger and fries were slammed in front of me and I dove into that half-pound monster. I was munching away when I noticed your cook peeking around the corner laughing at me! This cook fellow, a Dale, Diane, something like that, shot me the finger and disappeared back into his greasy lair! I have never been treated like this in an eating establishment (except the time I accidentally gave the owner of Diamond Dave's Steak House a hickey...).

I instinctively opened up my burger and to my dismay the mushrooms were purple and the meat patty smelled like a cow patty!! I had been around hippies in the sixties and I know psychedelic freakazoid mushrooms when I see them, mister!

That little sawed-off garden gnome Dale man had spiked my burger and now I felt like jumping out of windows! I stood up and tried to hack up my lunch but only managed a loud fart. Everyone in the bar was laughing at me and they were melting!! Suddenly I lost control of my bladder and wet my pants! People were rolling on the floor as I beat a hasty retreat to the outside world. I don't have a driver's license because of another incident at your Saloon, so I ran down to the Police Station for help.

Inside Police Headquarters everyone was naked and running around screaming stuff like, "Wow, Dude!" and "Far Out"". Just then, something shot at me from the other side of the room and smacked me in the face - it was half a Mushroom Burger!! You guessed it, buddy, these flatfeet were all tripping and had no more respect for the law than I do.

I made it out to the street and flagged down a van. Thank God it was Joel! I got into the van and told him what had happened; he told me he'd give me a ride home. He even offered me a small pink pill that he said would "bring me down". Joel is a decent human being - unlike the riffraff that hang out at the "Beer Crack Saloon"!

Well, I'm at home now writing this letter and I have to say that it's getting worse! I I I don't knoww what t helli is goinng on here but at thhhhbnm

           cantttt


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